There are times when I still wonder who I got what I now have.
Sometimes, however, I don't question it, as I know I should do more often.
Some things are best left without question.
This happens to be one of them.

I feel neutral about everything. I don't feel enthusiastic about anything, yet, I don't feel particularly down about anything either. I can't say this is a happy medium however. I don't feel pretty. I don't feel ugly. I want to move forward, but I can't stop living in the past. I'm awake, but always tired. I'm not happy, nor am I particularly sad. I feel like I could touch the sky, but I can't get my feet off of the ground. Meaningful things seem meaningless to me. Seemingly meaningless things seem meaningful to me. I have changed, and yet, I have remained the same.

My life is at a complete stand-still. I have nothing to move farward with. What do I have to do? Advance my personal life? Get married and be bound to a person for 'the rest of my life'? Vomit out spawn from my bojingo? That's all I have. My out look is getting hazy and undefined. The line of what I want and what will happen are getting constantly blurred.
Is all this pointless yammering worth something? Definitely not. My words were, and always will be, all that I have to hang on to. I will have these words no matter what happens. No matter what I do, it will always be my constant.

I want something that I know I'll regret if I get it anytime in the near future. So what am I supposed to do? I can't NOT want that. It's something that would make me feel complete. It's also something that would destroy my life. Maybe I'm not meant to feel or be complete.

I desperately feel the want to go back to time before I was an adult. Back to a time where it didn't matter what I did because I really couldn't mess anything up. It's not that I'm terrible job at being an adult, but I want the relief of not having to worry about not having enough money to buy food for the rest of the month. Not having to worry about if the little steps I take could take me off of the cliff of like and accomplishment. I want to be able to drown out everything with the songs that own my heart for extended periods of time and not worry about what I should be doing.

It's wearing thin and true being almost completely unproductive. Every time I do try to accomplish something, it's either something meaningless, interrupted by my own procrastination, or even better yet there is nothing there for me to accomplish. The first and second are the absolute most common.

What I finally got after multiple years of yearning didn't fix everything like I hoped it would. That was the unfortunate disappointment. I'm still trying to grasp at things that just aren't there, that never were. Why can't I let myself be happy? Why can't I take things for the way they are and live for the moment? It's because deep down, I am a pessimist, true and through. I can't let myself be happy, so that way I constantly have something to complain about to validate my existence. The wall is still standing completely tall. It's cracked and torn some, more than it ever has been, but there's a long way to go before the weak point is achieved to crumble it completely.

Matt, I love you and everything that is you. You're the only one that has ever been able to make those cracks, and dents, and flakes. You're making me a better person, without trying or realizing it. Even though it hasn't been long at all, I owe you my life 's worth of time. I know my sadness makes you sad. You say that I'm too beautiful to be sad. It's something I'm desperately trying so hard to work on, for you. Just because I shed tears, that doesn't mean I'm sad. Sometimes it's the overwhelming emotion that I feel when I realize everything that is going, everything that gives me a reason to live. You've given me a majority of those reasons. For that, there are not enough different ways to thank you. There are not enough words to describe everything that you've given me, everything you've done for me emotionally, every single time you've given me piece of mind. You're an absolutely beautiful person to me, inside and out. Everything that is worth saying is incredibly cliche and cheesey, The truth is, without you, I wouldn't be able to speak such said things. Anything and everything you do means something to me, no matter how meaningless and mundane it may seem to you. Even if it doesn't register as something that affects me currently, it's still stored in my brain for later exploration. No matter how much my mood changes, you're always going to be my constant reminder of just how good I really do have it. And that's definitely not a bad thing.